While waiting for my flight back to Manila, I read a post from Lang Leav’s facebook page. It says:
Take me someplace where I can feel something – I want to give away my heart. Tell me his name so I can know love when it speaks to me. Give me someone I can write about. –Lang Leav
I used to write poems so easily. Give me a pen and a paper, whatever kind, and I can give it back to you with beautifully written words from the heart. That was ages ago. I can’t even remember the last poem I wrote. The one poem that I used to know by heart now fails to visit my memory. I can only remember its title, and to whom I wrote it for. Hahaha.
I haven’t had written anything in a long time, except for technical papers needed for my work. Many of my friends have been asking me to be involved in a writing project. Some of them even pressured me to write. But still I cannot even write a single decent piece. In my head, all the thoughts and all those words just didn’t feel right. I couldn’t feel the words. The words have become meaningless. So I stopped writing.
It was a mistake. I felt suppressed and repressed. I couldn’t feel anything. I got tired and numb. I refused to live. My life revolved around work. I merely exist. Surviving. I hopped from one work to another hoping to find something– I wasn’t even sure what it was. I wanted to feel happy, contented, inspired. I wanted to feel significant and relevant. I wanted to experience life, but up to now I still don’t know how to begin.
I need a muse, an artist’s muse. But since i don’t have anyone and no interest whatsoever for shallow interactions, I might as well find something to write about, instead of someone. I realized I have so many beautiful things going on in my life. I’ve been building up my career, yet I still make stupid choices. I travel, I often get lost. I struggle, I fail, and yet I still hope. That this is not the end and there are still chances of getting better. That there is still some magic left in this world. That happiness is just around the corner, out there, under the sunshine, or under the rain, or under any other circumstances that can make us feel alive. And maybe, by writing all about this, even with all the flaws and errors, would cure all the heartaches that kept me numb for the longest time. We never know.
So with that, I am officially reopening The Xiaui Show and I am welcoming myself to blogging again. Thank you. Hehehehe.